Blaming Never Solves A Problem

Adam had the power to choose. His choices were:

~Obey the rule and live in paradise. That’s right, live without fear, guilt, or shame. Enjoy the glorious gifts of the Universe—fresh fruits, clean air, clear beaches.

~Break the rule and face the consequences of guilt, shame, and start a life of hardship.

As much as it is easiest to blame the serpent in the end, the fact remains that we have a choice and we must be ready to face the consequences. We could go further and ask why the tree was put there in the first place. Some may say that it is a test and others will say that God does not test us.

My belief is that we still have a choice to make regardless of whether there is a test or not. Not choosing is still a choice. It is the choice to not select a course of action. It is the choice to do nothing.

Exercise

Review the following situations. Consider the choices, the potential consequences and who should be blamed for these consequences:

• Who should I marry? My parents love Jeff. I love Jamie. I love my parents and want to make them happy. Maybe I could learn to love Jeff but I already love Jamie. How do I learn to love someone? I just want to be happy. Marrying Jamie will make me happy. Marrying Jeff would make my parents happy. Seeing my parents happy would make me happy.

• What career should I pursue? My family want me to be a lawyer. I want to write novels. Law is the practical route but writing is what sits in my heart. I don’t want to disappoint my family but I don’t want to feel unfulfilled.

So you can practice law and write on the side. However, I strongly suggest that if you decide to marry Jeff, don’t have Jamie on the side.

What are you going to choose to do in each situation you face in life? If things do not go as planned who do you think you will blame? Remember, you are making choices each and every day.

There are consequences for every choice, every action, every reaction. Consequences do not have to be ‘bad’ even though that is the thought often associated with the word ‘consequences’.

Be prepared to accept responsibility for your choices.

Should we divert blame to feel safe or should we accept responsibility for our choices? Consequences catch up to us at some point… even if it is our conscience gnawing away at us.

• Role reversal: Mentally switch roles to ‘try’ to get a better understanding of the other person and the possible reasons for them dodging responsibility for their actions.

• Build rapport: Have open discussions in a manner (non-threatening way) that will allow the person to feel safe to tell the ‘truth’. It should not be forced and don’t flip when they do open up. You flip and you lose them again.

• Be patient: If a person is still not comfortable with taking responsibility for their actions, then patience and understanding is necessary. We are all not at the same place but we can take steps to help each other.

• Don’t be judgmental: Many of us are dealing with deep rooted issues so let’s not be judgmental. There is always a reason for something even if we can’t see it right away. What we are seeing in others might be something that others are also seeing in us. It may not be true but then we arrive at the question of illusion versus reality. What is real?

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“We may not always know why things happen but that does not mean that there isn’t a reason.”

My third pregnancy was the one that I recall as being the catalyst for a new journey, a clearer path. From the beginning of the pregnancy things just felt different and I sensed that it was not going to work out. I expressed this to a few but had no reason as to why I felt this way. It was just a feeling.

In early December 2011, I had one of my routine ultrasounds and they said that all was well and the baby had a strong heartbeat. I was just about five months pregnant at the time of the ultrasound.

Around mid-December (about a week after the recent ultrasound), I was leaving work and I got on the elevator on the seventh floor. After the doors closed there was a sudden jerk and the feeling of a drop. I looked at the floor display screen and it showed four. A second ago it showed seven. What the heck!

I was scared and a bit shaken. I did not go to the doctor because there were no obvious signs that there was a problem. I had a mild backache in the night but just did some yoga stretching.

Just after Christmas, I told my husband that I don’t feel pregnant anymore. I went for my regular OB check up in early January 2012 and they couldn’t hear the baby’s heart beat so I was sent somewhere else to have an ultrasound. They would normally show you the baby after a session but when I asked, the technician said, “Not today.”

The next day the OB called from her other clinic and told me that my baby died. I was shocked even though I suspected. I went numb. I told her that I want another ultrasound and she agreed.

I drove home from work. Before leaving work I called my husband to ask him to meet me at home. I did not tell him anything until he got home. I didn’t want him to feel what I felt when the doctor served me that cold dish.

The second ultrasound confirmed that the baby was no longer. I couldn’t get booked into the hospital the same night. It was a Friday and I got scheduled to go the next day.

So I went to bed that night with the knowledge of a dead baby inside of me. Yes there was a dead baby in me the night before and probably a couple weeks but I did not know.

The experience at the hospital the next day was a story of its own. Short version of that incident is that I delivered the baby on my own. No one was taking me seriously about what I was feeling in response to the medication that was given to induce labour. They expected that it would take a while. I finally told my hubby to go find someone. While he was gone, I delivered.

I kept wondering what caused the baby to die. I wondered if it was something I did or something I ate or if my sugar was too high. The doctor told me that based on the ultrasound and comparing to the last, the baby died around mid-December.

I kept racking my brain since it made no sense to me. December’s ultrasound revealed that the baby was fine. Then I wondered if it was the elevator drop. I just wanted to know the cause. We had an autopsy done but nothing could be revealed conclusively.

Whatever the reason, all that wondering was not going to bring back my baby girl (McKenzie Mirabelle). I never blamed God. In my opinion, God does not cause bad things to happen. As a matter of fact, before the loss, two priests had coincidentally appeared in my life at the same time. I had not been to church for a very long time and I knew neither of them from before.

The priests were there for me and I felt blessed to know that even though the situation might have been inevitable, God, the Universe, a Higher Power ensured that there was support. I am not a particularly religious person but I consider myself to be more on the spiritual side.

I was looking for a reason as to why the baby died and even an autopsy could not give me an answer. So for a while I was left speculating and til this day I cannot conclusively say what the cause was. I will never know and maybe I don’t need to know.

All I know is that the situation sparked a new journey. I am not really stirred by death and because I was not showing emotions or crying people thought that I was suppressing and that I needed to see a counsellor.

So I did go to see the counsellor but our conversations went in a different direction than that of dealing with loss. I may have been difficult with the counsellor at that time since it was difficult to trust overall. Past history still embedded in me and then the hospital issue and so much more.

The whole situation brought out a different side to me. I was stronger and more resilient. I was like that dandelion on the lawn that keeps coming back. I had a new view on life. It was time to live up to the meaning of my name (Stacey means resurrection). I was seeing things so much more clearly.

The therapy sessions opened my mind a bit. During the time off that I had taken (after the loss of the baby), I really reassessed my life. So many doors started opening to support my spiritual growth.

When all is great in life we do not stretch the limits to grow and understand but when our world is shaken, we have a choice: We can soak in sorrow or reassess, take action and move with greater momentum.

I chose momentum and that was not the norm in my circle. People thought that I was hiding my feelings by keeping busy but it wasn’t. You see I always believe that things happen for a reason and even though we may not understand the reason, does not mean that there isn’t one.

I despised being an only child but it must have been for a reason. I thought that I would never have children and after seven years of waiting they started coming and quickly. Then I lost one.

After we lost McKenzie, I would have my usual conversation with the Higher Powers. I said, “God, if I am blessed with another child I would name her….” No name came to mind but when I said that I would name him… The name Zacharias came to mind.

When I found out that I was pregnant again, I repeated the above process. No girl name came but again Zacharias came to mind. Then we were able to do the ultrasound to find out the gender and was told it is a boy. I repeated my conversation again and Zacharias again came to mind.

We decided to look up the meaning of Zacharias and it means the Lord remembers. Later that year our baby boy entered this world. We named him Zackary.

Trusting in the Universe, God, that Higher Power, has made my journey smoother. Yes there are bumps on the journey but they are there to remind me to keep aware. Awareness has helped in transforming my life.

Blaming has never solved a problem for me. What has blame done for you?